Jason says "read this blog!"
Just when I'm about to sign the DNR papers for this blog something comes along and inspires me to write another post. One of these days Jason Segel will come to his senses and beg me to befriend him. I just hope he isn't waiting to see the 365th reason. It may take years.

365 Reasons Why...An Explanation

Well, hello there (said in a very sexy voice). You're looking quite lovely today. Welcome to my blog. Feel free to take off your shoes and get comfortable, maybe leave a comment or two. This started out as kind of a funny thing to do after I blew a phone conversation with Jason, but I've found I really enjoy writing every day and researching new and interesting things about my future BFF. In January I met Jason at a comedy club and the few words we shared only reinforced my belief that he and I would get along famously. As a dear friend of mine recently said, "why wouldn't he want to be friends with you - you're awesome!" Perhaps the 365 reasons in this blog may just convince Jason of what I already know to be true: separately, our awesomeness is great; combined, it may be enough to take over the world. If you want to be one of my esteemed followers, simply click on the 'follow' button toward the bottom of the page. Come on, you know you want to.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Reason 299

Geeky deals. I'm sure my friends would agree that when it comes to fashion, I am a veritable encyclopedia of style and knowledge...if the only entry in that encyclopedia was about wearing jeans and t-shirts every single day. That said, it should be no surprise to anyone that one of the first things I do each morning is check the daily offering at shirtwoot.com, a website that sells a different t-shirt 365 days of the year. The designs are often hilarious and geeky, a fabulous combination for folks like me, and contributed by artsy nerds who also worship at the Church of Woot. A few weeks ago the daily deal was a shirt emblazoned with the word "inconceivable" with each letter referencing a person or event from "The Princess Bride," which, as everyone knows, is the best movie ever filmed that includes Fred Savage, screeching eels, and a world-famous wrestler with a speech impediment. Without thinking twice I clicked the "I Want One" button and sent twelve bucks off onto the information superhighway. Last week my shirt arrived and, after doing a mortifying happy dance in front of the mailbox and tossing My Precious into the dryer to loosen a couple wrinkles, I proudly sported the latest addition to my wardrobe around town. Most people stared at the pictures in confusion, clearly not cool enough to have watched "The Princess Bride" at least fifteen times. My five year-old niece gave me a once over and asked "Um, what's on your cool shirt?" Since she's only five and hasn't had her mind blown open by six-fingered men and drunken Spaniards with incredible fencing skills, I filled her in. She blinked at me and went on eating her ice cream. I have a feeling, Jason, that you would understand my shirt the minute you saw it and that you would be so consumed with envy that you wouldn't be able to sleep for days. Of course, all of that pain could have been avoided if we were friends because any time Shirt Woot's daily deal referenced an iconic 80's movie or the Muppets or something equally awesome, I'd call you immediately and convince you to buy it. I know you'd be gracious enough to do the same for me. It still smarts that I missed my chance to buy a shirt with a giant donkey pinata on it that advertised El Guapo's Pinata Emporium. My debilitating pain could have been avoided, if only we were friends.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Reason 298

*I actually hand wrote most of this post over a month ago in my dinky dollar notebook, but I'm such a procrastinator that I'm only getting around to typing it up now. Sigh.

Great minds. When it comes to bestie duties I admit, Mr. Segel, to slacking off recently. I had every intention of seeing "Five Year Engagement" the weekend it opened, but life, as it often does, got in the way and I didn't get to view your glorious backside on the big screen until last week. Now that I have seen your hilarious take on the evolution of an adult relationship, my belief that you are secretly my brother from another mother has only been cemented even more snugly into my delusional psyche. You managed to co-write and produce a film that has my chocolate-smudged fingerprints all over it. Let's put on our CSI hats and examine the facts.

1. The engagement ring. Your character in the movie, Tom, proffers a gorgeous vintage ring to Violet (played marvelously by Emily Blunt) when he pops the question on a restaurant rooftop in San Francisco. Instead of purchasing a traditional diamond engagement ring Tom opts for one with a brilliant ruby surrounded by teeny diamonds glinting in a round setting. Since I was the one who proposed to my fiance (who will be my husband in 2 days - eeee!) I got to pick out my own engagement ring, and what was my eye (and heart) drawn to a midst all the snazzy bling at the jewelry store, but a spectacular silver ring with a sapphire set in a circle of teeny diamonds. Seriously, Jason, get out of my head!

2. Top Chef reference. I jumped on the Top Chef bandwagon a little late, but once I discovered the competitive cooking show there was no turning back. Since much of "Five Year Engagement" revolves around the culinary world it makes perfect sense that a character would utter the soul-crushing line made famous by Padma: Please pack up your knives and go. I'll have to start working that into my conversations. Do you think parents would have a fit if I curtly dismissed unruly students from class with that little gem?

3. Pickle peculiarity. Sure, I enjoy a dill pickle every once in awhile, but I certainly wouldn't consider myself to be an afficianado of the briny vegetable. My fiance, however, is another story. He is mildly obsessed with pickles and demands a jar of the bumpy green things live in the back corner of the fridge at all times. Heaven help us the day he needs a fix and the pickle jar is empty. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he mainlined pickle juice instead of wasting precious minutes actually chewing his food. So, you can imagine how tickled he was when the character who owns the small-town sandwich shop goes on a pickle rant in front of a customer, chastising her for choosing a type of pickle for her sammy that was clearly an abomination in the eyes of pickle-lovers everywhere.

4. Faking orgasm. Nora Ephron (R.I.P.) wrote what is probably the most famous film scene in history about women faking orgasm in her masterpiece "When Harry Met Sally", but it wasn't until you sat down to scribe "Five Year Engagement" that the world would glimpse the truth about men faking orgasms. In an awkwardly hilarious bedroom scene your character, Tom, is not particularly enamored with Violet, his fiance, despite the fact that his nether parts are doing the nasty dance with hers (oh, the things we do for the people we love). Their normal passion and playfulness has been replaced by a dreadful feeling of sex-as-drudgery and it is vividly clear to the audience that neither half of the charming couple is enjoying themselves. In order to get the whole sweaty mess over with Tom pretends to have an orgasm, jumps out of bed when he's "done" and ambles off to the bathroom, but not before disclosing his dirty little secret - it was all an act! After both cringing and guffawing through this scene I realized I had once had a conversation with my (other) best friend Steve about the possibility of a man successfully faking climax. It was an enlightening chat and I always thought it'd make great material for a romantic comedy. I guess I need a new plan now that you've stolen my thunder, Jason.

5. Walking the aisle. I hate to spoil the end of "Five Year Engagement" for all ten of my dedicated readers who missed out on such an endearing and authentic portrayal of 30-something love, but I can't, in good conscience, wrap up this post without mentioning Tom and Violet's walk down the aisle. After five extremely trying years, our lovebirds decide to have a semi-impromptu ceremony in a beautiful park. Tom picks a band from the two Violet have lined up, they both change into fancy duds behind sheets held up by family members, and then joyfully clasp hands and walk down a grassy aisle toward their future. Since I see myself as an independent gal who doesn't put much stake in wedding traditions I have chosen to forego the whole  "being given away by my father" thing and instead walk down the aisle, hand in hand, with the love of my life. I know Tom and Violet would approve of the offbeat wedding we've planned (and I bet you would too, Jason, if you had been wise enough to befriend me ages ago and snag an invite). Perhaps by the time you're ready to get hitched you will have come to your senses, and I will be grinning like an idiot as you vow to spend the rest of your life with a very lucky lady...after walking down the aisle together, of course.