Jason says "read this blog!"
Just when I'm about to sign the DNR papers for this blog something comes along and inspires me to write another post. One of these days Jason Segel will come to his senses and beg me to befriend him. I just hope he isn't waiting to see the 365th reason. It may take years.



365 Reasons Why...An Explanation

Well, hello there (said in a very sexy voice). You're looking quite lovely today. Welcome to my blog. Feel free to take off your shoes and get comfortable, maybe leave a comment or two. This started out as kind of a funny thing to do after I blew a phone conversation with Jason, but I've found I really enjoy writing every day and researching new and interesting things about my future BFF. In January I met Jason at a comedy club and the few words we shared only reinforced my belief that he and I would get along famously. As a dear friend of mine recently said, "why wouldn't he want to be friends with you - you're awesome!" Perhaps the 365 reasons in this blog may just convince Jason of what I already know to be true: separately, our awesomeness is great; combined, it may be enough to take over the world. If you want to be one of my esteemed followers, simply click on the 'follow' button toward the bottom of the page. Come on, you know you want to.



Saturday, November 20, 2010

Reason 287

Laughter at others' expense. As a teacher I have struggled to stay awake through many presentations about the roots of bullying, building students' self-esteem, and creating supportive classroom environments and, while I whole-heartedly believe that even the stupidest children walking the nation's educational corridors deserve to feel safe, it doesn't stop me from making fun of the adult idiots I have to contend with on a daily basis. Now, I'm not talking about my coworkers (although some of them would definitely not qualify for the gifted program) or even the average Joe talking on his cell phone while walking down the street, oblivious to the dog shit he just stepped in. Nope, I have discovered, through years of painful research, that the most intellectually-challenged of our species spend a lot of time lurking on Internet dating sites. I don't know how many times I've been on a particular site and an IM window has popped up with a ridiculous conversation starter like "Do you like to be dominated?" or "What kind of clothes do you wear to work?" I'm sorry, did I accidentally stumble onto a site for chubby dominatrixes? It's not like I'm wearing leather in my profile pictures and carrying a whip. Why, just a few days ago a young man apologized for being so forward, but was curious to know if I wanted to watch him? Um, watch him do what exactly? I'm guessing it wasn't knit a hat for his wiener dog while Julie Andrews sang on a mountain top in the background. Although now that I think about it, that might be pretty entertaining. Occasionally I also recieve ludicrous compliments like "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." Seriously? Have you ever laid eyes on another woman in your life? People certainly don't vomit when they catch sight of me, but I think my mug is pretty average. The real kicker, though, is an email I received this week with the subject line "Hi dear, Email me on [insert address here]." I'm not sure if you realize this, sir, but we have never met, which means you have no grounds to refer to me as 'dear.' His email was a real gem, riddled with spelling mistakes and abbreviations in a stream of consciousness style that made this grammar Nazi's skin crawl. Here's a particularly compelling chunk: "Well i went through your profile and i see that you are Okay,and i will like to know more about you and your personalities." Hmm, is he insinuating I have a multiple personality disorder? Calling me 'okay' really gets my engine running, too. I think I'll drop my panties right now. Perhaps the most appealing statement he made is "And i have decided in my mind that i will relocate to where ever my right and perfect match is for the betterment of our union." Jeepers, you're willing to move ten miles away to be my life partner? I am such a lucky girl! Let's fly to Vegas tomorrow and track down the least-bloated Elvis impersonator to shackle us together forever. I don't know how much longer I can subject myself to the seedy world of on-line dating, Jason, but I will happily laugh with you about all of the awkward and horny dolts who contact me until I finally stumble into the arms of my perfect match. With the way things are going we should be able to milk at least a year of guffaws out of my pathetic love life. At least someone else will be benefitting from my pain.

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