Creepy gifts. As I was sitting in bumper to bumper Seahwaks traffic last night, Lionel Richie's classic song about unrequited love, "Hello," came on the radio. With just a few lines my mind was immediately transported back to lazy MTV-filled afternoons in my family room and the song stalkers everywhere embraced thanks to Mr. Richie. Since you're considerably younger than me, Jason, you may not have watched MTV back when it aired actual videos for more than thirty minutes at a time, so let me fill you in on the video's basic premise. Lionel, in all his 80's afro glory, secretly lusts after a young blind woman in the acting class he teaches - apparently he's unaware of general university policy encouraging professors to not become involved with students. The video follows Lionel as he skulks around campus watching Laura - see a blind person dance and eat lunch and put things in a locker! - and then shows him calling her at home and singing "Hello, is it me you're looking for?" before hanging up. Run, Laura, run! The climax of the video comes when Laura reveals the sculpture she's been working on in her art class is a hideous bust of the soulful crooner himself. Shock and awe! What in the world does this seminal 1980's cinematic gem have to do with us, Jason? Well, I think it's rather obvious. No matter how awesome I may think you are and no matter how incredibly artistic I may be, I will never, ever attempt to turn a brick of shit-brown clay into something resembling your head, especially if I lose my sight in some freak teaching accident. Sure, I might drive hundreds of miles to see you perform and read every interview you have ever given, but I draw the line at making a statue of you. Besides, I already know it's me you're looking for, so no need to woo you with a rinky-dink art project.
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