Reasons 225 & 226

Inspiration. When it comes to our writing, Jason, we are constantly pulling material from our own lives to make the tales we spin feel authentic (and may I add, hilarious). This blog is an obvious example of that. Your foray into art imitating life is a tad more famous (or should I say infamous?) than mine, though. In your 20's your girlfriend returned early from a trip and called from the airport to let you know she was on her way over to your house. As a man with a certain appendage that occasionally overrides the rational thoughts produced by your brain, you immediately assumed your lady friend had desperately missed the warmth of your body and was at that very moment urging her taxi driver to speed through the streets of Los Angeles like she was on "Amazing Race" in order to pleasure you. When she arrived at your humble abode you were waiting for her, completely naked, with a Joker-esque grin on your gorgeous mug. You enthusiastically greeted her in all your naked glory, only to be told she'd stopped by to break up with you. At the time you realized that, despite the pain of being rejected (and sans clothes at that), the situation was actually quite hilarious and ripe for cinematic treatment; you couldn't wait for the now ex-girlfriend to leave so you could furiously scribble down every detail and incorporate it into a screenplay. Years later you did exactly that, sharing your mortifying moment with the world in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and forever labeling yourself as "that naked guy from that one movie." As mentioned previously, I have dabbled in the art of screenwriting and had no qualms about slapping a number of my neuroses onto characters and allowing them to exorcise demons of embarrassment that have haunted me through the years. Why, just the other day I was sharing a mildly awkward childhood anectdote with my friend Christina who, once she'd recovered from her laughing fit, demanded I use the scene as the opener for my next screenplay. The proverbial lightbulb went off right above my head and I realized the 25 year-old interaction between me and my brother was the perfect way to kick off a story I'd be struggling to begin for years. Neither of us were naked at the time, but if my black comedy ever makes it to the big screen I think my opening scene will garner just as many laughs as yours, Jason, and it won't make my mother cry, which doesn't hold true in your situation. Your poor, poor mother.

Guidance. Speaking of screenwriting, I could really use some advice from someone like you, Jason, a person who managed to sell the very first script he wrote (even if it was never turned into an actual film and you had to recently buy it back from the production company), and continues to get hired to bang out material like the next Muppet movie. When Freaks and Geeks (R.I.P.) was cancelled and it looked like you would never get paid to act again, Judd Apatow was kind enough to impart a little career advice, telling you that since you are such a weird dude the best way to ensure you'd succeed in L.A. was to simply write roles for yourself. He then gave you a weekend-long crash course in screenwriting at his compound and sent you out into the world, confident that you'd succeed at cashing in on your oddities. You did just that with Forgetting Sarah Marshall and, as we all know, your film career shot off like a rocket, creating legions of crazy fans who stalk you at your local bar and write ridiculous daily pleas of friendship. Now, unless they're ashamed to come out of the closet and admit they are a cog in the Hollywood machine, I am fairly certain there aren't any knowledgeable, successful screenwriters in my life. There are no voices of experience telling me which software program to purchase (Movie Magic or Final Draft? The stress of choosing is giving me an ulcer!). No wise sage whispering in my ear, reminding me about correct formatting and query cards. My best resource is the internet and we all know how reliable that is; any whackjob can post something on-line and call it the truth. Nope, I am a lonely sailor navigating the screenwriting sea, a stack of index cards full of deranged scribbling and a brick of stale graham crackers keeping me company on this strange journey. If you want to take pity on me, Jason, and guide me through the script writitng process I will gladly let you steer my ship. I'll even let you wear my super cool captain's hat, although there is a high liklihood it will only distract me from the job at hand and make me want to act out my Captain and Tenille fantasies. Muskrat Suzie, muskrat Sam...