Reason 241

Weddings. I was not one of those little girls who attached pillow cases to her head while walking slowly down the hall, humming Pachabel's Canon and dreaming of a future commitment ceremony in a flower-filled church. The first wedding I remember attending was a simple affair at the city courthouse between my father and stepmom, and every subsequent celebration I've attended of brides and grooms professing their undying love for one another hasn't convinced me that weddings are a worthwhile use of my time. It's not that I don't love the friends and family members who are getting married; I certainly want them to be happy and enjoy this once in a lifetime event (snicker, snicker). I'm just not a fan of getting all gussied up to eat some subpar meal while making small talk with strangers and then listening to a DJ with questionable musical tastes encourage everyone to get out of their seats for a rousing rendition of YMCA. I try to graciously turn down most of the wedding invites I receive so others don't have to put up with my negative Nelly alter ego, but I couldn't bring myself to skip out on my friend Emily's big day, which happens to be August 14. She has excellent taste, a wacky sense of humor, and never takes anything too seriously, so I'm desperately hoping the whole affair will be light on ceremony and heavy on fun. The one thing that would cement my commitment to her huge commitment is a handsome date on my arm who can make me laugh and dance circles around my coworkers. Would you happen to be free on the 14th, Jason? I'm sure you could find a cheap, last-minute ticket to Seattle. I won't be able to pick you up from the airport as previously promised because I'll be driving back from central Oregon that day, but I can offer you free food and booze, a beautiful Seattle skyline, and some memorable conversations with the loveable whackjobs I call my colleagues. You'll also walk in with a lady on your arm who cleans up pretty nicely when she puts forth a little effort (I'll even shave my legs). I bought a new dress the other day and look pretty dang hot in it if I do say so myself. So, let me know if you feel like escaping the Hollywood machine for awhile to hobnob with the moderately paid as we raise a glass to the future of Emily and Chris. If you wear a suit I'll even attach your name to the gift. I bet your last wedding date wasn't so generous.