Good fortune. Lucky in love I am certainly not, but when it comes to winning tangible, material goods, I practically poop four-leaf clovers. Some contests are based solely on incredible skill, like the class spelling bee I won in elementary school or the art contest I received an honorable mention for in 2nd grade, despite the fact that the panel of judges actually thought I was a 5th grader (sadly, my drawing skills peaked at seven years old). Perhaps if I'd competed against classmates I would've walked away with both the glory and Baskin & Robbins gift certifcate bestowed upon the grand winner. In 8th grade I entered a raffle at my school's dance (oh, the horror of middle school dances!) and ended up toting home a gigantic gift basket stuffed to the brim with Electric Youth perfume and tons of gift certificates to shops at a mall down south, including Mrs. Fields', an ear piercing kiosk, and Glamour Shots. Let me tell you, having my hair's volume increased tenfold and posing for semi-sexy pictures, consuming twenty-four chocolate cookies with the help of my best friend, Claire, and then lying to the jewelry store about my mother being Claire's parental unit so she could get her ears double-pierced made for an incredibly memorable and exciting day. Slow dancing with prepubescent boys who were a foot shorter than me to cheesy Boys II Men songs was totally worth all the goodies in that gift basket. As an adult I have hit some decent jackpots in Vegas (as decent as you can get from The Price is Right nickel slot machines), won a pair of peach panties from a Burlesque performer in a fundraising raffle (don't worry - they were clean), and, best of all, seen a variety of musical performances for free by being the winning caller for radio contests. My sister-in-law got to groove to one of her favorite bands, Michael Franti and Spearhead, thanks to my good fortune; my friend Ryan, who is up for just about anything, gladly took a pair of 98 Degree tickets off my hands (my apologies to the Lachey brothers, but the thought of enduring two hours of screaming teenage girls made me sick to my stomach); and Jason Mraz thoroughly entertained me and my pal Christina at the Experience Music Project before he hit mass-fame with "I'm Yours." Perhaps my greatest musical prize, which I won for writing a brief essay about my middle school love for New Kids on the Block, was entrance to a small concert given by Jordan Knight (he was always my favorite - swoon) when he released his last solo album. Even in my late 20's, sitting five feet away from someone I adored as a tween made my pulse race and my stomach do gymnastics worthy of a short program during the Olympics. The one music-related prize I had my heart set on and didn't win was a trip to the
Get Him to the Greek premiere in L.A.. I recorded my own version of "Bangers, Beans & Mash" and filmed a disturbing video to accompany the song and still the film's producers didn't deem me worthy of hobnobbing with Jonah Hill and Russell Brand on the red carpet. Clearly, they don't know genius when they see it. Anyhoo, what all of this good luck boils down to is an opportunity for you, Jason, to partake of my winnings. Free crap is so much more valuable when it is foisted upon loved ones. Besides, no one should eat 24 cookies alone, and I have a feeling you'd graciously consume thousands of calories in order to make a friend like me happy.
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