Reason 117

Fire. I have long been fascinated by fire. I grew up in a house with a fireplace and always loved stuffing rolled up pieces of newspaper under piles of wood, then lighting the edges and watching the paper burn. The flickering of the flames coupled with the crackling of logs always made me feel cozy and safe. I even went through a phase where my friends and I would write words with hairspray in the street and light the trail of letters on fire. Sounds weird, but the coolness of it will blow your mind. So, Jason, imagine my shock and dismay when you confessed to the world in a recent People write up that you don't know how to build a fire. You're knowledge of kindling was so limited, in fact, that you recently installed electric fireplaces in your house to replace the ones that actually require you to strike a match. Currently, the fireplace in my condo is electric, so I do understand how convenient it is to just flick a switch and, ta-da, there are flames dancing around. But I would give up that convenience in a New York minute if it meant smelling the cedar logs, hearing the popping of damp wood and working my way through twenty three wooden matches before finally creating a blaze that won't peeter out as soon as I saunter over to the couch to relax. Access to a real fireplace also makes a world of difference when there's a blackout. A few years ago Seattle was blanketed by snow that caused major power outages for days. If it weren't for my mother's wood-burning fireplace I wouldn't have been able to heat up my chocolate muffin every morning, and no one should have to live like that. So, the next time you're in my neck of the woods, Jason, I'll drag you to my mom's house for a lesson on properly setting a pile of sticks ablaze. We can curl up on the couch, belt out classic camp songs like "Found a Peanut" and eat s'mores 'til the cows come home. I'll even give the local fire department a heads up about our lessons, just in case your little campfire becomes a conflagration. Hmm, now that I think about it flirting with hunky firefighters and playing with the siren in the firetruck would be pretty cool. Maybe I'll skip the info on fire safety.